Research

Description

1. Your thesis does present a point of view–which is great–but I’d encourage you to avoid the “this paper . . .” formula. A more direct, persuasively phrased statement will have an even stronger effect. 2. Think about ways that you can vary the first sentences of your paragraphs. “First,” “second,” etc. are functional transitions, but in this long of a paper, they can start to make the paper feel more like a list than a cohesive argument. Make sure, too, that these topic sentences are always phrased as persuasive statements. 3. Some of your paragraphs cover a lot of ground, and I think a few could be split up into two topics. For example, your paragraph that begins “Third, making Spanish a compulsory curriculum subject ensures that all students embrace bilingualism, which improves their decision-making skills” breaks those skills into two groups: general cognitive abilities and rational decision making skills. Those could be two paragraphs, potentially. 4. Relatedly, your 5th point, about patterns, seems like it could organizationally be part of this section of the paper. I’d recommend thinking of how you can group each of your points into larger categories–doing so, and using key phrases to help your reader understand the categories–could further help paper organization. 5. Make sure to proofread for grammar! Specifically, I noticed several sentence fragments and a few phrasing issues.